Friday, May 16, 2008

My Inauguration Speech

For entertainment purposes I have written a speech
(You yourself really should try this particular project, it's a beautiful stress buster for all the crap we endure politically)

Hope you enjoy :)

My Inauguration Speech

Mr. Chief Justice, Associate Justices of the Supreme Court, Members of Congress, Distinguished Visitors, and My Fellow Americans, Thank you.

I am honored and privileged to be standing here as your 44th President. America is a wonderful country that means so much to me and many other people. I want to thank President Bush and his administration for the cooperation shown during the transition.

While America is a shining example of what freedom is about, we also have our problems. However, there is no problem or challenge that America and the American people cannot overcome. The American people are inventive, creative, hardworking, and determined. That being said here are some of the challenges that we face:

Our borders are not secure. The oath that I just took said that one of my duties is to protect our country. This is a duty that I do not take lightly. As the Commander-in-Chief, I am ordering the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to deploy U.S. Forces along our borders within two weeks. The military will remain on our borders until such time as we have the necessary civilian manpower to secure the borders. Once this is accomplished the military units will be relieved.

All U.S. cities, counties, boroughs, and political subdivisions please listen closely. If you have a sanctuary policy which prohibits your law enforcement personnel from enforcing the law in regards to illegal aliens, you have a choice to make. In one month, if you still have the “sanctuary policy” in force, all further federal funding for you will cease until you rescind the policy. Why am I taking such a hard line? In the city of Dallas, and other cities in the U.S., we have had police officers and citizens killed by illegal aliens, who had they been in custody, could not have committed the murders. Had they been in thier own countries this would not have been the case on US soil. We have American children who are hungry, need clothing, housing, medical treatment, etc. who simply go without the needed resources due to those who use and abuse the system illegally. We have Americans with immense education and skills as well as healthy work habits unable to find jobs due to hiring practices of illegal aliens at half the cost. We will no longer ignore those in our own back yard to give preference to those who arrive illegally.

Now, some may say that I am anti-immigrant or racist for securing our borders. There is nothing further from the truth. I believe America will and should always continue to welcome immigrants; This versatility is clearly what our nations culture and strength is. However, those who willingly violate our sovereignty and ignore our laws will not be rewarded.

O-i-l. Three letters that mean so much to America and its security. I am challenging the auto makers to improve gas mileage on all vehicles to a minimum of 75 miles per gallon of gasoline as soon as possible. Also, to offer alternate fuel vehicles that use other renewable fuels. Our immediate goal should be to cut our oil consumption to what we can produce in the U.S. and eventually end our dependence on oil once and for all. Until then, ANWR and our coasts will be opened up for domestic oil drilling. We are all in this together so, I am asking the American people to help by reducing their consumption of oil. Now, there are some people who will say “75 miles per gallons” is he crazy? No imported oil? No, I am not crazy. I have faith in the American people and know that we are capable of doing it. We have landed men on the moon and brought them back safely. We have landed remote vehicles on mars. We have landed a probe on an asteroid hurtling through space with pin point accuracy. The ingenuity and creativity of the American people is limitless. Yesterdays science fiction is today’s reality. Yes, we can accomplish these goals and for our future we must do it!

To Congress, I want one of two things. Either pass the “line item veto” or any bill you send me to sign only contain riders or amendments that pertain to the bill. Any bill you send me that is not a “clean bill” will be vetoed. The American people are fed up with the pork and unnecessary spending that gets added to legislation. The American people live with budgets each and every day. The federal government must do the same. Also, if a bill is not a “clean bill” I will inform the American people why the bill was vetoed, and who sponsored the riders or amendments. If this means shutting down the government, then so be it.

Our tax system is a nightmare. The tax code is a burden on American business and the American people. No American or American business should have to ever fill out another income tax form. To eliminate this burden, the first piece of legislation I want from the Congress is “The Fair Tax” also known as the national sales tax. With this legislation, the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution needs to be repealed. Once I sign this bill, I urge all the state legislatures to act on repealing the 16th Amendment immediately. The elimination of the income tax will allow American business the ability to compete within the global economy. For the American people, paying your taxes will be as easy as buying a pair of shoes.

The repeal of the 16th Amendment will mean the abolishment of the Internal Revenue Service. Individuals from the former IRS can seek other job opportunities within the government if they so desire. The Department of Homeland Security has a lot of openings along the northern and southern U.S. borders.

The best government is limited government. The size of the federal government has continued to grow over the years. We need to realize that things change and that change while resisted can be good. The government should review agencies and programs then eliminate those that are inefficient, no longer needed, or have outlived their purpose. Therefore, I am asking the Secretary of the Department of Education to stay in the post for another six months. During this time, the agency will be dissolved. Individuals from the former Department of Education can seek other job opportunities within the government if they so desire. Again, the Department of Homeland Security has job openings.

Each year America faces challenges from natural disasters. We have seen our share of tornados, hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, floods, etc. Each time the American people arise to the challenge to help each other. We have friends helping friends, neighbors helping neighbors, and strangers helping strangers. Why? Because we are Americans and that is what we do. In times of crisis we pull together to help end the hurting and suffering. We come to the aid of each other and to the aid of the world too. America has helped those abroad when they face adversity showing the compassion of our country.
On this note in order to aid progression I order immediate disassmbly of our NAARP "weather modification" programs and all thier "classifed" documents "declassified" and made readily available to the public for thier descision of how to proceed with charges of illegal activities commited by the US Government both on our own soil and worldwide.

We have a unique country. Our country was founded on freedom; however, with freedom comes responsibility. There are some in the world who wish to take our freedom away. There are some in the world who despise our way of life and want to take it from us or just plain kill us. Yes, we do fight amongst ourselves. We have the freedom to debate issues and disagree on them. We absolutely have the right to redress our government. This is a part of what makes the U.S. the U.S.; however, do not mistake our fighting and debating as a sign of weakness. We have the determination and resolve to protect what we have and no imaged terrorist or terrorist will take that away!

This brings me to the United Nations. Here in the United States we have an organization that has become corrupt, ineffective, and wanting to see the destruction of the United States. I invited the Secretary General here today so that I can tell him face to face the following message. You sir and all the United Nation ambassadors are hereby declared “Persona non grata.” You and all the U.N. ambassadors have 72 hours to leave our country. I have arranged a few charter airline flights to ensure there are enough airline seats available. In the future, should a problem arise, an ad hoc committee can be formed to address the problem. Once the problem is solved the committee will be dissolved. This will prevent inefficiency, corruption, and the status quo.

We will no longer ship our troops to police the world.
Should the idea arise to send Americans overseas it will be you the people who make this decision.

We will soon reveiw and address many, many laws and legislation that have been inacted both with and without the Americans peoples consent.
So I ask that you turn off your TV's and actually do your homework so that you too may particate in reshaping the future.

At times, I will come to you the American people and talk to you directly. There are times in Washington when things get stalled, delayed, or outright forgotten. There are times that political bickering among the parties clouds or distorts an issue. When this happens I will ask you, the American people, for your help getting things done. My fellow Americans we have a lot to accomplish. With hard work, innovation, and determination we will be able to ensure a better future for our children and our children’s children. Thank you once again and may God bless the United States of America.


Note: I wanted to write sooooooooo much more but really this is supposed to be, a speech of a certain length therefor for now, this is where it ends.

Bonus entertainment:

A Classic Favorite...

1 comment:

pullybone said...

That's a pretty goddamn good inauguration speech.